Stepping Outside The Shadow
As I walk to find my car inside of the parking garage it hits me like a mac truck! Not overwhelming like before... but profound in a brand new way of fully realizing the magnitude of how far I have come on my inner journey to walk in life beyond the shadows of my past!
As warm rain falls from my eyes, down my cheeks pieces of my past flash together and I remember the woman of days past... the woman frozen in the fear of her own breathe, her power and her life... unable to step in any direction, living in shear pain and panic every waking second. The woman who could barley ride in a car for more than 30 mins, the woman who went into "shut down mode" at the mere hint of confrontation, and slipped into the depths of "terror" if she got a single whiff of danger in the air!
For years I stayed tucked behind the shadow... fearful of what it held for me and what lied beyond the quicksand I fought in everyday. Sounds crazy I know... but for me the depths of this pain and fear were what I had come to call my "normal", I knew the ugly truths that poked me here- dreading the interaction, but knowing that I had met this beast before and somehow I would be able to make it out alive to live another day. But going beyond the shadow into the land of "what if", "I am ready", and "I can" do this- that scared the living hell out of me. That meant that I was no longer struggling, I was no longer avoiding my personal power and understanding the depths of who I was... that meant I would suddenly become a stranger to my own eyes!
Turns out that life had bigger plans for me way back then... and suddenly with no warning I was no longer able to hide... the world "blew up" for me, but in hindsight it also "blew open" for the first time for me to become authentically me... not someones sister, daughter or someone who was destined to struggle... it was time for me to learn again and for the first time in years I began to "truly breathe".
Fast forward years and here I sit in a parking garage facing some of the most life altering experiences of my life, learning how to live, love and let go on a whole new level with a brand new understanding and calm. Now if I am speaking honestly... this mac truck made me fully feel the echo of all of that shit, breakdown, breakthrough and expansion all over again but through eyes of deeper understanding and realization!
There was no mistaking how far I had come now and all of that crazy, awful, expansive shit was preparing me for sitting right here in this car seat crying tears of worth, happiness, accomplishment,acceptance and excitement for being perfectly capable and comfortable inside my own crazy world with out being overtaken by it!
That is a big step for a girl with acute panic disorder and PTSD!
I have been working like a bad ass to stand fully present in my skin, unfiltered, un-medicated, completely present and vulnerable as a naked baby just born!
This is a gigantic step for a girl who wouldn't drive on the big roads, who would map her destinations based around medical supports, a woman who wouldn't stay by herself or could handle the pressures of life without free falling into a relapse that took days to recover from.
Nope, today I drove that "big ass car" in an out of that city like a beast!
Then I met that fear of losing the woman who raised me with an understanding that "being present & feeling it all" was the best way to honor the relationship we started 48 years ago!
And then I soothed my inner child with the love and confidence she needed to feel safe enough to be alone in her own skin and trust in her personal power to do so!
And lastly, I gave thanks for the broken road that led me to this gigantic new world that I have finally awaken to enjoy!
Life is not suffering!
Pain is not an entry level for happiness!
You are so much bigger than you have been led to believe!
This is your life to explore- shit happens- you learn lessons- you see your strength and you rise above the fear and judgement only taking what is yours and leaving the rest behind!
That's when you will know your on the outside of the shadow...that's when you will finally begin to believe that you are free!